Promises
by imSiriuslyLupin4you
Summary: The cigarette was growing soggy between Sirius' lips, and he just knew that soon Peter and Remus would start looking for him. And James... Honestly, he wasn't so sure about James.


**This is a re-write of my fic 'No Chance' which will be deleted in a few days. I re-read it and, to be frank, it wasn't as good as I had originally thought. **

**It is also posted on AO3 under the same name. **

**Hope you all enjoy!**

…

Sirius scowled at the muggle cigarette lighter in his hand as he struggled to flick it on. The unlit cigarette was growing soggy between his lips, and he had the feeling that soon Peter and Remus would start looking for him. And James... If Sirius was being honest with himself, he wasn't so sure about James.

The lighter finally produced a tiny orange flame and the cigarette was lit. Sirius inhaled deeply, and started to hack. Smoke puffed out of his nose and mouth. Sirius held the smelly cigarette away from his face so that the smoke wouldn't sting his eyes, and attempted to catch his breath. When he could finally breath again, Sirius brought the cigarette back to his mouth and started to suck down the smoke, holding back the coughs until his eyes started to water.

Soon, all that was left of the cigarette was an ashy stump. Sirius flicked it into the Black Lake and brought out a new one. Lighting this one was easier. As he slowly drew the nicotine into his mouth, Sirius overheard snatches of the conversation behind him.

"…Crazy… Filthy muggle habit… Disgusting …"

"…Utterly insane… What is he thinking…"

Sirius smirked slightly to himself. Maybe he _was_ utterly insane… It would prove all of those rumors going around about him correct. And what was so bad about being insane anyways? He wanted to shout that the people passing were right. Of course he wasn't thinking. If Sirius were thinking then James would probably flood his mind and he'd start thinking about Lily and James and throw himself into the stupid lake. No. Sirius definitely wasn't thinking. Thinking hurt too much.

But, unfortunately, by trying _not_ to think about James, James was all Sirius could think about. Memories of their last conversation filled his mind.

"_Hey… can I talk to you for a moment?"_

"_Sure… Pads are you okay? You look terrible."_

"_I- I'm fine… just nervous I guess."_

"_You? Nervous? What the hell does _the _overly confident Sirius Black have to be nervous about?"_

_"Telling you how I feel- I mean... you did this to me you know… you made me like blokes… you were the first guy I ever wanted. At first it was just a brotherly thing I guess… and then I started wanting to kiss you… and hold you… and love you… girls were just a distraction you know… A distraction from you, cause I know you wouldn't like me back… but I'm tired of holding it in. We're best friends. We need to be honest with each other. I cant watch you walking around in your underwear without- you know. And I want to. So much…"_

"_Sirius, don't. I'm _straight_."_

"… _yeah, I know."_

Telling James Potter was the biggest mistake of Sirius Black's life.

The sound of footsteps, trying and failing to be stealthy, slowly approached Sirius, and a body sat down heavily beside him. "Hey, Padfoot."

Sirius glared at Remus. "What do you want?"

"James told me what happened."

Sirius snorted and rolled his eyes. "Of course he did."

A small smile danced briefly over Remus' lips. "Yeah… he's worried about you, you know."

"Why should he be? It's not like I'm about to kill myself or anything." Sirius scowled and tossed his half smoked cigarette towards the lake. It fell short and lay smoldering in the damp earth at the edge of the water.

Remus raised an eyebrow. "Really? Because you look like you're about to jump in the lake and drown yourself."

"Well, I'm _not_ so you can just fuck off, alright Moony?" Sirius snarled and stood up to stomp the smoky cigarette out with his shoe. "Why don't you go read a book or something?"

"There's no need to be rude, you know…" Remus said from his spot on the ground.

Sirius turned his back on Remus, determined to ignore his friend and wallow in peace. After a few moments, Sirius turned and frowned when he saw that Remus had not moved a muscle. "Go away."

"No."

"I'll pay you."

Remus snorted. "I don't need your money, Padfoot."

"Yes you do. You need to go buy yourself some nice clothes so that you can stop walking around looking like your mother dresses you… and then you need to buy some makeup cause you have some monster bags underneath your eyes, and that zit looks bloody painful and-" Sirius choked and in a second Remus was there, wrapping skinny arms around Sirius' waist and setting his sharp chin on his shoulder.

"It's okay to cry." Remus murmured softly. Belatedly, Sirius realized that there were tears streaming down his cheeks.

"I hate feeling like this." Sirius buried his face in Remus' hair and sobbed. "I'm never going to date one as long as I live. I'm going to die alone."

"You wont be alone, Sirius." Remus pulled away and smiled at his friend. "I won't let you."

"Promise?" Sirius sniffled, hating himself for acting like a girl.

"Yeah… I promise." Remus gently nudged Sirius' shoulder. "Let's head back up to the dormitory, yeah? I wan't to get some things done before supper."

"Okay." Sirius followed Remus up to the castle and towards the Gryffindor common room.

As they headed to the boys dorms Remus stopped walking and looked at Sirius apologetically. "I- ah... I just remembered that James is probably still up there." The blood froze in Sirius' veins and he felt a wave of nausea hit him in the gut. "Shall I wait out here?"

Not trusting himself to speak, Sirius nodded and began the nerve-wracking trek up the stairs. Reaching the dormitory Sirius stood awkwardly in the doorway, taking in and savoring the sight of tousled black hair and crooked glasses before announcing his presence.. "Hey, Prongs."

"_Oh_!" James jumped slightly and peered at Sirius in a mixture of embarrassment and confusion. "Hey Pad- Sirius, you look like shit."

"Yeah." Sirius shrugged. "I feel like shit."

"Ah." A guilty look flashed over James' face. "That's my fault, isn't it?"

"… I ruined our friendship, didn't I?" Sirius forced out a laugh and turned his head away, refusing to let the tears come back.

James took in the devastated look on Sirius' face and hesitatingly walked over to his friend. Wrapping him in a hug, James slowly rubbed Sirius' back before pulling away. "You're my best friend, Padfoot… and I love you. Just... Not in the way that you want."

"Is there really no chance of making us work?" Sirius whispered, afraid of the answer.

James sighed. "Sirius… I'm _straight_. I like tits. Always have, always will… besides you _know_ how I feel about Evans."

"I know… I just want -"

"You can have me." James interrupted. "But only as a brother… can you deal with that?"

Sirius was sorely tempted to say no… but if he said that, then James wouldn't want to be his friend at all. And that would just kill him. "Yeah, I get it." Unable to face the pity in James' face, Sirius spun around, fully intending to find a place to hide so that he could lick his wounds in peace. On his way down the stairs, Sirius bumped into Remus who was heading up to the dormitory.

"Is it safe now?" Remus joked, but his face fell when he saw Sirius' expression. "Pads, I'm sorry-"

Sirius shook his head and attempted to grin. "It's not like I wasn't expecting it." He strode out past Remus and through the portrait hole.

Sighing heavily, Remus continued on his way to the dormitory. He found James standing awkwardly by his bed. "Hullo."

"Hey Moons."

Remus sat on the edge of his bed and peered at James. "Want to tell me what happened?"

James sighed heavily. "Sirius is in love with me."

"Yes, I know that bit."

"And I don't love him back."

"I know that too."

James looked helplessly at Remus. "You're the smart one, what should I do?"

Remus sighed. "Just be his friend, Prongs."

"How can I do that knowing that he wants more?" James demanded. "He's probably thought about me _naked_!"

Remus fought the urge to roll his eyes. "Remember that though he may want more, Sirius would die if he had less. You're his _best friend_ James. His _first_ friend ever, and he wouldn't give that up for _anything_. Not even for you. You just need to remind him that you'd make a better brother than a lover…. For him anyways… and you need to let him know that he'll always have a special place in your heart, and that nothing will _ever_ change that. Not this, not Lily Evans, not _anything_."

"And then everything will be back to normal?" James asked desperately.

Remus shook his head. "After this mess, I doubt anything will ever be back to normal. But things might get better."

"Really? You promise."

"I don't make promises that I cant keep, Prongs. You know that." Remus stood up and rubbed at his eyes. "Merlin, I'm tired... I suppose I'll have to find Padfoot and calm him down before he blows up a first year. _Again_."

James made to follow Remus. "Do you want me to come with you?"

"I don't think that would be the best idea." Remus said tactfully. "I wan't him to calm down, and you'll only work him up again." Shooting a quick smile at James, Remus hurried down the stairs and out of the common room. He quickly caught up to Sirius who was glaring at an empty picture frame. At the sound of Remus' approach he turned and quickly formed his face into a fake mask of happiness.

"Hello Moonbeam! I've dearly missed your company... what has it been, two minutes?"

Remus ignored Sirius' cheery tone. "I talked to James."

The fake happiness slid off of Sirius' face and was replaced with a scowl. "So he told you that I have no chance."

"Not- not in those _exact_ words…but the message was about the same. But how do you know that you really have no chance?"

Sirius stared at Remus like he had grown a second head. "Because he said so, he's in love with Evans, he's straight, and he's in love with Evans."

"You said that twice."

"That's because it's doubly true."

"But what if Lily never says yes? What if you _do_ have chance?"

"I don't-"

"But what if you _do_?" Remus looked strangely hopeful.

"If I _did_ then I wouldn't _be_ in this goddamn situation!" Sirius hissed.

Something sad flashed across Remus' face, and he looked at Sirius with pity in his eyes. "I just hoped that Unrequited Love still had a chance… If anyone could give it a go, it would be you."

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "What do you mean by that?"

"Nothing Padfoot." Remus smiled. "Lets get dinner, I'm starved."

The rest of the week passed with no incident, though the awkwardness that surrounded the marauders was almost palpable. James was having a particularly difficult time with the whole affair. He had taken to changing in the bathrooms to avoid Sirius, before Remus cornered him and demanded that he stop being such a twat. James had always seen how protective Remus had been of Sirius, but now it was so obvious it was a wonder that nobody else noticed. At first James had dismissed it as a strange canine affection, but now he could see that Remus treated Sirius almost exactly like Sirius had treated James, and since Sirius was in love with James... James felt as if he was trapped in some sort of bizarre homosexual love polygon of some sort. James loved Evans who loved Remus who loved Sirius who was in love with James… everything was all messy now, and James _hated_ messes despite what everyone thought. He liked things all clean and orderly… he wished that he could find a way to clean _this_ mess. James promised himself that he would talk to Remus the first chance he got.

That opportunity came soon after the full moon. After Madame Pomfrey had ushered the Marauders out of the Hospital Wing, James snuck back in, promising himself that he wouldn't leave until he had spoken to Remus.

"Moony."

Remus yelped as James suddenly appeared from underneath the invisibility cloak. "Prongs! What are you doing here? I thought that you had potions."

"I'm skiving." James sat down on the edge of Remus' bed. "How do you feel?"

Remus narrowed his eyes. "No better or worse than I did twenty minutes ago." He said suspiciously. "Remind me again why you aren't in class."

"Do you love him?" James blurted out.

Remus blinked in confusion. "Slughorn? I can't say that he's exactly my type-"

"No! that would be weird... I meant do you love Sirius?"

Remus stared at James for what seemed like hours before nodding slowly. "Yes, I think I do."

"And Sirius loves me."

"That is also true."

James' face twisted. "I know how it feels to be in in love with someone who doesn't want you." James looked down as he spoke, directing his words to the crisp white sheets at the foot of Remus' bed. "I never thought that it would feel just as bad being on the other end."

"I'm sorry." Remus didn't know what else to say. How much worth was there in those words, when there was nothing else to do but apologize? When none of it is your fault? They do nothing. They didn't make anyone feel better... If anything they made everything feel worse. It was strange social convention But Remus _was_ sorry... He was sorry that James was hurting, and that Sirius loved James… there was nothing that he could do, but Remus was still sorry.

"I have to get to class." James muttered after a few moments. "I have Transfiguration next."

Remus nodded. "I should be out by tonight."

James left the Hospital Wing and arrived at Transfiguration just as Professor McGonagall began the lesson. James slid into his usual seat next to Sirius and began to root through his bag for parchment, barely even sparing Sirius a glance.

Sirius pretended not to notice, and stared at the blank parchment in front of him. It was strange, but he had never before felt so alone. Yes he was surrounded by classmates but his friends had just been so utterly _not there_ lately. James, despite attempting to keep their friendship alive, had been distant lately, and Remus had been so busy and focused on the exams that were speeding closer with every day that passed. But even with the obsessive studying, Sirius wished that Remus were here because Remus, no matter how preoccupied, never made Sirius feel alone.

Remus ended up leaving the Hospital Wing far earlier than expected. He would be able to make it to the last class of the day, saving him from his friend's horrible note taking. But before Remus went to retrieve his bag from the Dormitory, he headed for the Owlrey. Remus always sent a letter to his parents after a Full Moon to let them know that everything was okay. This time it felt like he was telling a falsehood. Like he was carrying a letter full of lies. It hurt t knowing that he was lying to his parents by telling them that he was alright... But he didn't want to worry them by telling them that his heart was breaking and all of his friendships were falling apart at the seams. Yes, Remus would rather lie.

When Remus arrived at the Owlrey, he was surprised to see Sirius standing alone by the large window. Remus thought that Sirius was never so breathtaking then he was at this very moment. The soft evening light glistened on his skin and made his hair glow with some sort of fairy like magic.

"Hey, Padfoot." Remus whispered as not to break the fragile sunlight that cloaked Sirius.

"Hey."

Remus moved to stand next to Sirius, almost unable to take his eyes off of him. "Can I ask you something?" Sirius grunted and Remus took it as a yes. He tore his eyes away from Sirius and peered out of the window, unable to keep the devastated look out of his eyes. "Sirius, did you mean it? What you said the other day about never being with your unrequited love?"

Sirius shrugged. "I meant for me. That doesn't mean that no one else has a chance."

"Promise?" Remus' voice broke, and Sirius' head snapped towards him in surprise.

"Yeah, I promise."

Something broke in Remus just then and his eyes filled with tears. Sirius had the sudden urge to count each and every one and flick each salty drop of water into the Black Lake. When Remus cried it was like rain. It was pure and clean and theraputic, washing away all of his feelings and rinsing his body . His quiet gasping breaths sounded like the rushes of wind and his matted eyelashes formed shadowy clouds on his cheeks. Sirius thought that he was lovely. Raw in a way that was like a thunderstorm. Sirius wanted to be the sunlight. He took Remus' face in his hands and his thumbs were like the warmth drying the tears and his whispered pleas for the rain to stop was the wind that blew the clouds away.

"Moony, can I kiss you?"

Remus gasped, and surged at Sirius, kissing him deeply and winding his hands in shaggy black locks. Sirius smiled against soft lips and teeth and tongue. This was better than cigarettes by the lake. It was better than a good prank...

It was even better than every single fantasy he had about James.


End file.
